Have you been raped , harassed, financially scammed, or molested by an AA member?
There is a collecting of stories and victims are encouraged to come forward. Please call the police if a crime occurs.
This illegal activity needs to be exposed, and victims need support in speaking out.
Enough is enough.
Speak up! Speak Out!
1936 POWERLESS…
2011 EMPOWERED…
You choose!
Finding your site I was actually looking to somehow get involved with helping victims of 13 step predators. Anyway, I stumbled across your blog and this topic and I have been sitting here for approximately an hour trying to summon up the courage to share at least some of my story. I realized that this might be the first step to possibly helping someone else.
I had been involved in AA for about 3 years at the time. Although I had experience in the rooms I was considered a newcomer because I was habitually picking up a newcomer clean day token. I also moved around to lot to different meetings, trying to find a place that I was comfortable.
So, in the summer of 2009 I was without a sponsor and had been attending the same groups for about 3 months. BTW, I am happily married, in my 40’s and have two children. I am also shy, a loaner, and didn’t have a lot of friends in the program. One man with double digit sobriety, who was soft spoken and seemed genuine, befriended me. I saw him regularly at meetings and often we chatted/fellowshipped before and after meetings (always with others around). My husband even met and got to know this guy and approved of our friendship, I think hoping I can learn to be sober by him. There were a couple of ‘moves’ by him toward me which I rejected and in my mind sluffed off as a minor come-on. I didn’t say anything to my husband.
Long story short, we hired him to come over and do some work at our house. I was the only one home on his last day of work. In the end I was raped after rejecting another bout of flirtation. Initially, as I struggled and he held me down, he told me I had it coming etc. Same guilt trip many victims of known attackers receive. I basically then just took it out of fear of being physically battered as well.
Obviously I’ve left out a lot of details. It is very difficult to even think about. For a long time I did believe it was, at least in part, my fault: “I should have known better.” – “I let him in my house” – “I must have led him on”. Until now I have only told only one friend about it that lives out of state. I didn’t even tell my husband, in fear I think, that because of my alcoholism and our problems (previous) I would somehow feel even more responsible (as I thought I must have been). I never correlated the incident with 13 stepping because I thought that as an adult, many years over, I knew the signs etc. I’m learning that my personal experience was a result of an AA predatory whateverthefuckacallit. I had been preyed upon by a man that offered distanced sponsorship, advice, and support to me. All AA gabber and jibberish, brainwashing tactics. I also feel like an idiot having not seen it coming.
About 7 months ago I finally left AA. I was extremely depressed and anxiety ridden. I’m lately doing better but have twice since snuck some drinks (during the day as the kids were at school and husband at work). I’ve also been getting a lot of therapy but have found myself very lonely. I want to get involved in this ‘cause’ somehow.
Anonymous: I’d like to say that I admire your courage for posting your story on this site. By doing so, you could be saving some women, and maybe even some men, from the same thing. Please know if you don’t already that it was NOT your fault, but entirely the fault of the bastard who did it. I am sorry about what happened to you.
I am so sorry this happened! You did NOTHING to cause this. How many women have men in their homes hired to do work without getting raped? How many times does a woman have to say no for it to “count”? This guy was working you and your husband in order to get the opportunity to rape you. It’s probably his method of operation in AA. Very sick, and no doubt the way everyone is scared to death to out another member no matter what they do protects him and allows him to be a very successful predator.
Sally- I am so sorry this happened to you. I’m glad we are both working on this problem in a bigger way. I loved your updated version of the pamphlet poster. Maybe we can post it here. Its a really good tool. GO ahead and put a link or just embed it here.
I’ve been molested, abused and taken advantage of in multiple ways by members of 12step groups. I have posted the links to my own blog posts about it here, but never hear back from you. I’d love to tell you my stories, if you are interested. Take Care, Rach
Rachel I m so sorry. I have been insanely busy. Would you like me to contact the place where it happened to you to see if the Predator is still working there.
Yes we can catch up.
Thank you for this website. I feel better knowing there are others who speak out for help. I was part of AA fellowship and had a much older man stalk me. All I did was sit in a seat and he came running to sit by me. He would repeatedly ask for my number and hit on me while others looked on. I stood up for myself by setting clear boundaries with him by 1) asked him to stop talking to me 2) made police reports of the sexual harassment 3) continued to set clear boundaries with him. Other eyewitnesses spoke to him to not harass me as well. I took the evidence and written letters by other women and men who witnessed the harassment to the general secretary and a hearing was held at the fellowship. I was verbally attacked that I was breaking AA tradition by speaking out. Members began to blame me by asking “What was your part?” My part was “0″. I did not flirt with the harasser and was very clear with my boundaries. There is never a “part” played by a survivor of rape, sexual harassment or stalking. Other victims in this AA fellowship were told by their sponsors not to speak out against this sexual predator. It is sickening that adults are asked to turn over their whole life and opinions to sponsors they may barely know instead of relying on U.S. laws for support and their own judgments.
There were many other victims who reported various sexual harassment incidents to me by this same individual I asked an AA female member not to come to the first meeting at the fellowship to review the evidence presented at the AA fellowship for her safety. However she did write a letter with her eyewitness accounts. Other witnesses provided information and eye witnesses came to both the meeting at the fellowship and to both legal court hearings where I asked for a restraining order. The stalker signed a letter stating he would never come back to the fellowship, but came back as soon as I missed a few meetings at that fellowship. I eventually had to get a restraining order for my protection and was granted it due to the harasser continuing to stalk me in the community.
I presently have spotted the harasser in various places in my local area that can not be coincidence. The longer I am sober, I can remember this man stalking me in the community as far back as a child. Other members of AA clearly told me that he is a AA predator and very dangerous. Many females are leaving AA due to sexual harassment, rape and stalking not being taken seriously at fellowships. I am a very different person today. My life has changed a lot. I experienced nightmares, PTSD symptoms and flashbacks. I am fearful for others safety who come into my life. However, my true friends and family stand with me against sexual harassment. I hope that other people speak up against the sexual harassment in AA fellowships: let us all speak out against sexual harassment in any environment. It takes one person to make a difference for positive change. I am no longer a victim, but a survivor. I hope I can help other victims/survivors receive help and speak up for justice.
anonymous speaking. this is a horrible frightening story. I am so sorry this happened to you, but I am so glad to hear you took action and fought back. It is so insane the way these women protect the predator. I would like to talk to you directly if you want. There are many supporters on some of the blogs. http://www.leavingaa.com follow the thread WHY I LEFT AA. I have been doing some serious work and I would like to tell you off the blog some of the news. makeaasafer@gmail.com .
I am fearful for others safety who come into my life. However, my true friends and family stand with me against sexual harassment.
AA/NA have become very dangerous. 3rd level sex offenders and violent criminals to 12 step as part of their plea bargains. Bad , bad stuff. Even old timer AA members have no idea this is going on. I was told by an previous AA trustee/board member that parole officers say all the time that the predators in jail laugh about how easy AA women are. It is beyond sick!
I live in Denver so not open to meeting yet, but thank you….maybe in the future.
Recently I have been bullied and harassed about my looks by a Narcotics Anonymous member with at least 3 years of sobriety who lives in my apartment building. Her name is Chantay. We had been on a friendly basis and I thought she was a nice person. Then the Saturday before last I ran into her and a friend of hers on the street. We talked for awhile, then walked into our building together. Chantay and her friend walked up the stairs. I remained in the entryway to watch something that was happening in front of the building. As soon as I turned my back on Chantay and her friend to look out the window, they burst into hysterical laughter. Then one of them whistled. Ironically, shortly before this, Chantay had criticized what her friend was wearing, asking if she was planning to go the meeting dressed like THAT. There was nothing “wrong” with how her friend was dressed that I could see, and I never knew dressing up to be a requirement of attending 12-step meetings. A couple of days later I saw Chantay on the street and she acted super happy and friendly. I figured she would, since I have been reading books about abusers, and one thing they say is that abusers feel better after having abused someone. I asked her if she worked the 12 steps of Narcotics Anonymous, and she said yes. I asked her if one of the promises of working the spiritual program of the 12 steps was becoming an abusive, cowardly misogynist. She said “What?” and looked shocked. I told her maybe she should ask her higher power and walked away. Then last Friday I was in the park and was just leaving as Chantay and a friend (wasn’t sure if it was the same one I had met before) entered the park. As I was walking away from the park, Chantay (I’m pretty sure it was her) said “ugly” over and over again in a high-pitched, sing-song voice. There isn’t much I can do about it at this point, but I am keeping a log which I will take to the police station if it continues or if she threatens me, which I now wouldn’t put past her.
Liz- These people are really cold blooded, immature and judgmental. Take care of yourself. AND please keep writing. Im so sorry this happened to you. Some were very cold to us Kali and I end the end. Of course there were a few who were nice. Honestly, AA/NA is shrinking and many good people are running and not going to public meetings anymore. MOst of the oldtimers in Hawaii I know, dont attend and only go once a week to a home meeting with a small amount attending.
Thanks for this site and your support, Massive. Chantay did harass me again, last Wednesday. She rushed past me and cornered me while I was waiting for the elevator in my building. I couldn’t really take the stairs, because I was carrying a heavy lounge chair. She pretended she didn’t know what she had done, and asked me to tell her so she could make amends. I told her I didn’t want to talk to her, yet she continued talking to me until the elevator arrived, saying she would never do anything to hurt me, etc. I was going to wait for one more incident before filing a police report, but decided this morning to go ahead and do it. Just have a bad feeling about it. I also tried to talk to my apartment manager, but she’s out today. I have an appointment with her for Wednesday. I think the 12-step groups HAVE changed since we started going. Not that they were ever perfect, but for one thing, a lot more people going today are court-ordered. Also, while I had some men 13-step and proposition me, in general, I found most AA men to be pretty nice. I got rides from several who never tried anything. Maybe I was just lucky. Also, I’ve only been to 3 AA meetings during the past 15 years.
liz- sorry this is happening to you. They seem to have boundary issues for sure.
I’ve only been to 3 AA meetings during the past 15 years.
and that is why you saw so much good. AA has really declined in the past 10 years!
Thanks, Massive. I’m glad I stopped going. I am sorry to hear it’s gone downhill. I will always have some fond memories of AA and some of the people in it.
liz- i did have many fond memories from Hawaii in the 70′s. Be even there when I returned it is no longer what it was then and there either. Most old timers I know either dont go anymore or go to small meetings in someones house. They dont have a clue whats going on except because of all my emails and Make AA Safer Work I did before I left.